On Monday 1/29, 2024, just right after I released my online rose pruning and fertilizing course, I received a phone call that forever changed everything in my life. As the saying goes, life hit you the hardest when you are least expected.
(This post may contain many typos and grammatical errors, I didn't have much time to double check)
For months leading up to that day, it felt like I had been forced to change my perspectives in EVERY area of my life.
From the way I viewed the world, myself, my thoughts, my emotions, and others. How I had to be brutally honest with how I lived my life, viewed others, observed my thoughts and emotions, my mindset, my relationship with myself, my family and everyone I knew.
I was in a very strange place and experienced an internal journey that no one could understand, except me. I didn't know what's going on with my life, it's so strange.
Meditation was my saving grace during these dark months to help keep me grounded and centered through these waves of internal turmoils.
On 1/29, I woke up that day feeling so anxious I couldn't understand why. I only knew I must stay calm and centered. Around 11:30am, my phone rang. It was my dad who lived on another side of the earth and it's 12:30am in Thailand.
I immediately knew something must have gone wrong with my mom. My heart was racing so fast and hands were trembling while picking up the phone. My whole world collapsed when he said she's in a coma.
I was just talking to her a few days ago and she was planning/preparing the house to welcome us this summer. We had not been able to visit my parents since 2020 so that's almost 5 years I didn't get to see them.
As if that phone call wasn't intense enough, about 20 mins later, we had to hop on a call to talk to a brain surgeon to make a decision as a family (my dad, my two brothers and me).
We had to make a decision to save her life. She suffered a stroke, her brain was swelling so bad with some bleeding.
That was the one thing I had always feared all my life to have to make that kind of decision under high pressure and very little time to think. They said she's in a very critical condition, there were 2 options to save her:
1) A brain surgery, but the risk was high and there's a possibility that she may not make it through the surgery. But if she can make it through, it would save her life.
2) Using medications to help reduce the swelling
But no matter what way we choose, she most likely wouldn't wake up ever again. If we were lucky, she would remain like a sleeping beauty.
The pressure was so high I tried to stay calm. The fear of the unknowns and losing her took me all over the places. That made it so challenging to think clearly.
My only choice to get through this very difficult moment was to use every single mindfulness tool I had learned these past months on my internal journey to bring me back to the center.
If it's not because of me learning how to stay calm on the inside, I would have been a total emotional wreck and couldn't make a logical decision. We decided on the medication route as the risk of losing her through the surgery was too much for her body and us.
I decided to go see my mom alone, but my daughter wanted to come to see her grandmother as well. I told her it's not the type of trip we took in the past, we would be going to the hospital everyday and there would be a lot of sick people in various critical conditions. Not a great sight to see.
She insisted she wanted to come along.
On Tuesday, my husband booked a flight for 2 of us while he stayed back home. We got the flight for the following morning (Wed) so there's very little time to pack. Everything was a blur at that point, yet I managed to grab what's neccessary and fly out.
This was the 1st time that my daughter and I traveled this far together just the 2 of us. Over these past few months, our mother/daughter relationship wasn't a smooth ride as she's in her early teenage years and I was tryingto figure out how/where I should stand as a mom so I don't control her life or decide what's best for her. I also had been working on healing my relationship with my mom for months prior to this happening.
It felt like this whole thing was meant to happen for a very specific reason for all of us to mend and heal as a family.
I cried everytime thinking about my mom. So many guilt and shame about worrying about not having enough money hence didn't visit my parents. How I left my corporate job to go all in on my businesses yet they didn't yield the financial results I had hoped for and much more.
At one point, I told myself I had to stop ruminating and beating myself up so I could focus on supporting my parents and brothers now.
The thought made my heart ache tremendously and to be told she may not be awake ever again numb my soul to its core.
To all of you who have the loved ones, things in life can change so rapidly. My parents once were both very healthy. I often said how blessed I was that my parents were in good health. Life can change in a matter of seconds when you don't expect it at all.
It isn't to blame or question why it's happening. Life happens through us and for us to learn and see things in completely new perspectives.
My mom gave so much in her life, be it time, energy, kindness, money and love to other people around her. She cared deeply about what other people would feel or think or look or talk about her/her family. She always put herself last..the very last. She gave nothing to herself. Literally nothing.
Life had been given her many warnings prior to this for years, but she kept pushing through over, over and over until her body and soul couldn't handle it anymore.
Put yourself first, you are NOT selfish for giving yourself what you need emotionally and physically. You can't take care of others when you're empty. Stop caring about other people think to the point that it interferes with your life. Love to the fullest, live to the fullest.
Always have faith, stay positive, leave room for miracles to take place, stay calm and grounded no matter how scary the situation may be at the moment. Visualize for the best possible outcomes while accepting the facts of life as well.
As my mom is on her journey to recovery, my husband took this photo and sent to me as a sign. This one rose was the only one blossoming beautifully and vibrantly just yesterday.
May you and your loved ones be blessed with love, understanding and kindness.
My plan to do the pruning/fertilizing is still on upon my return to the US next week. If I can help any of you with your spring pruning, check out here
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